Wanting to Want It
Meaningless? A hope for a drive
I would love it if I cared.
Let me elaborate on what that means: I would love it if I would actually care enough to do something about what my life is like now. Now, I’m not talking about my job, money, school, and definitely not talking about my relationship. What I’m talking about is ME!
Everyday, I feel as though I’m taking the wrong road. I wake up after hitting the snooze button a minimum of 3 times, and get dressed in my fading blue jeans. My clothing choice never represents how I feel for that day, and it is never selected based on the weather or even wanting to look good. It’s chosen because it’s there; i simply through on clothes because i have them easily accessible, even if they are slightly wrinkling. My unkept brown hair is sticking up in the back, and I almost forget to even put on deodorant half the time. I feel most mornings like my day is going to be a mess, that I’m not going to have my way. Most days, I’m wrong in that thinking.
What I would love is to quite literally get my life turned around. to do that, I need one thing: Confidence. Confidence will drive me anywhere I want to go, but it’s very hard to have confidence without financial stability. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be fine if I wasn’t really pushing to save for something big, and at the same time save for the smaller, wonderful things in life.
What do I want more than anything? Happiness. For the most part, I have it. I have a wonderful family, transportation that is reliable, a seemingly steady way of income (even if it isn’t enough for my liking), and to my knowledge a great relationship with a wonderful woman.
However, recently I’ve undergone a HUGE reality check, and I don’t think I like it. Hang has told me about her interviews with some major accounting companies. The jobs are, from what I hear, pretty sweet and would pay very well. I’m super happy for her, and I cannot wait to hear the good news that she’s managed to get hired…. but, at the same time… It doesn’t make me feel very good looking at myself.
It’s not that I’m jealous; She has earned it, and deserves it. It’s more like a growing uncertainty that eats away at me whenever I go to class, or write a paper. A feeling of the unknown. Is this really benefiting me? What am I doing here in this school? Is FILM really what I want to do? Right now, honestly.. I cannot answer these questions anymore. I seem to be devoting so much time out of my life on everything other than film. The funny thing is though… I ENJOY doing those other things more than film, but they aren’t paying me anything.
I run the HotTips! facebook page and website and when I’m helping people there, or reposting an article for people to see, I get real joy out of doing it. I simply LOVE it there. The problem is, none of those things are more or less important to my present, or my future. Essentially, they are about a productive toward my life as playing video games. Yet when I’m there, I feel as though I’m making a difference. Helping people through problems for free, and offering support and tips when they otherwise wouldn’t have found it. I get more enjoyment out of doing that then I do film and video! What the hell?
I still enjoy video, and the creation of video… but I’m not actively involved in anything. Moreover, I don’t feel the urge to get involved. There are plenty of opportunities to get involved in film and video projects at Grand Valley State University, but I haven’t gone to a single meeting, spoken to a single club, organization, or director. In fact, I have barely even spoken to other film students outside the classroom! This business is all about networking and getting your name out there, and even though I know about all sorts of meetings and networking events…. I haven’t gone to a single one. Why?
This is what i mean by a “Hope for a Drive.” I want so badly to want to go out there and meet people, and get involved. I just… Don’t. Every chance i’m invited, every time I hear about something I say “Oh cool!” When the even comes, however, I just say “I don’t wanna go.” It’s the truth too. I’m not afraid of anything, or shy, or even lazy… I simply have no desire to attend. But WHY?
This is what makes me think: “Is this what I want to do?”
Truth is, there are so many things I would like to do, and do like doing, that I’m just not sure if I’ve chosen correctly. Compare it to the Bride who isn’t sure about things on the day of the wedding. Just cold feet, or is it really not meant to be.
This is what’s got me going right now. Hang has her life figured out. She knows what she’s doing, and she will be successful at it.
Will I be successful in what I do?
I don’t know the answer, that’s the scary part. I’d like to think of myself as being a great man someday, or even just somebody worthwhile. I don’t know how that will ever be true, unless I discover something that makes me get up out of bed on the first buzz of the alarm clock, take a shower and eat a great breakfast every morning, put on clean clothes that look nice every day, and walk through the halls of the school or workplace knowing that “I’m the man.”
When will I find it? Am I going to find it at all?